high as a kite, i just might stop to check you out.

and this leans on me like a rootless tree

Thu, 11 Jan 2007 03:37:41 GMT

New LJ.

I don't want to read this one again.

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 03:15:40 GMT

I want to be happy for him, I really, really do...

Just how can I be happy when it's killing me inside?

The thunder rolls.

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 08:09:52 GMT

"I would like to thank you
for showing me a part of myself I had never seen
Yeah we were young and dumb
but it still was fun
and I guess these things just tend to fall apart."

Well, Aiden.
You did it again.
Single-handedly you managed to ruin the one thing you had going for you.
on the longest day of your life.

and that interview today, seriously.
what the hell?

and now you're upset because you don't have anyone to kiss you goodnight.
No shit.
You managed to be so fucked up you drove away the one person you love.
Real smart,kiddo.

Aiden Mickale, you're a real smart one.
Requirements for my next boyfriend:

5'9"
Brown eyes, and none of thaat light shit.
Superhero stance.
A boy I can lay with and just stare at clouds and dream.
I want a boy who likes neon purple.
I want a boy who can write.
one who likes forget-me-nots
amd laughs when i break out in song.
i want a boy who calls me after cugary drinks.
and a boy who understands tthat sometimes i dont know why im upset
i want his cure for everything to be a kiss.
I want a boy who is SO gay he worked at A-E-A-E-O.
He must have two sisters and a brother.
He must have a little cousin addicted to YAOI.
He needs to be a romantic.
MUST have the initals DC.
Must be somewhat mysterious
Must be able to make jokes about the wondertwins and sex.
Must be eighteen.
Must be living in Flordia
Must be a sweetheart.
And must,must,must love me back.

Alright.
I'm tired of typing.

Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again--

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 05:20:14 GMT

I just got my ass broken up with.
ohhh what what?

OKAY THEN.
That is 280 ( two hundred eighty) bucks I won't have to shell out to buy that stupid fucking thing.
That is 1 (One) less thing to stress me out.
That is 1 (one) less reason not to kill myself.
That is 1 (one) Aiden turned heartless.

New start, I guess.
Here I go again.

We're gonna be 'friends' which is kind of impossible.
You can't work backwards.
I give it two weeks.

I really hate myself, which doesnt matter anymore.

I think I hate lots of things.

but its cool.
its great.
i'm going to go get something to drink.
FUCK YOU LIVER.
Please fail.

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 10:55:52 GMT

OLIVIA IS THE BEST FRIEND ANY GAY MAN COULD EVER ASK FOR. (and she's pretty hot, too)

In other news, I feel like shit!

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 21:12:32 GMT

I swear, swear, swear to god.
I did not just spend an entire hour on photobucket looking at 2D and Murdoc.
SWEAR TO GOD I WASN'T LISTENING TO FEEL GOOD INC WHILE DOING IT.

AND ON TOP OF THAT [[-snicker- Ontop. > <]] I am sooooooo not wishing Devon was here right now to calm my stressssed out nerves.

Yesterday was good.
Yesterday, yesterday was nice.
But I always miss him so bad after a day like that.
When every single move he makes is perfect, and I'm left speechless.
And I lie in bed for hours, just thinking and thinking untill the sun rises, and i realize that I need to think for Jussssssssst a while longer, just to hit it.
And his name lingers on my lips, the first thing I say as I wake.
I like that.
I only wish he was here to answer me.

I love you, Devon Cisneros.

All is full of:

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 16:30:35 GMT

Love, love,LOVE,lovelovelove

I've been finding myself completely and totally in love.
And I've been finding I don't mind.

Happy Three Months, Angel.
[[as purple as I could get it. D:]]

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 03:12:25 GMT

Ohh my god.
xDD
I love this boy.

OHH MY GOD.
KTOthelloDesires: xDDDD My roommate and friends are like laughing at me and saying that I'm molesting the spooon.
KTOthelloDesires: But it's the sugar that I'm swallowing. So. Wouldn
KTOthelloDesires: 't it be the sugar that's getting harassed?
redblue wires: NO the sugar is like the
redblue wires: the cum of the spoon!
KTOthelloDesires: Spoon cum.
KTOthelloDesires: A new alternative.
KTOthelloDesires: xDD That makes swallowing much easier. I'll show this to the girls!
redblue wires: -Falls over-
redblue wires: Ahaha.
redblue wires: I'll coat somethign elseee in sugars.
KTOthelloDesires: Gaaasp.
KTOthelloDesires: Are we speaking of the same something else?!

AHAH.
AHAHAHAHHAHAA.
This is a fun night
Andy think's I'm really sick though because my body is sort of yellowish and I feel light headed
and my hands are numb.He's like
"SHIT maybe your liver shut down."

Please nooo god.

God, I love this movie.
I find the guy that pinnochio turns into a donkey with.
Very hot.
His fucking.
Face and red hair.
MMn.
I really want Devon pleasee.

TANGERINE LOLLYPOP LEAF.the end.

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 09:18:11 GMT

~~STRIKE OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.~~
Another pointless entry from Mr.Aiden Cisneros.

I really like the sound of thattt.

But I'm ahead of myselff.

Listen! I am alone at a crossroads.

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 15:54:59 GMT

Or not.

Sometimes, sometimes I say without thinking, because every relationship I've been in was doomed from the start.
But this is not to blame, it's not an excuse I'm gonna use.
Because this time, this time I love that boy with everything in me.
I set my alarm on my winter vacation JUST to talk to him before he goes to work, or I stay up allll night, just so he's the first one I talk to before my head hits my pillow.
And this one I want to work. [[note to self, want isn't spelled wan't.]]
[[That's won't, you're thinking of.]]
And last night, he had baddd timing.
But that isn't to blame either.
I could go "I was drunk!" But thatt isn't to blame, nonono.
I think myself into a frenzy, and once I get something into my mind, it's hard to get it out.
I seriously sat her last night, with all these whatif's running around in myhead that grew into these monsters in my heart, biting and gnawing away at it.
And the minute I was giving up and giving in, about to fight them off with sleep-
There he was wanting a good night kiss.
HELLO DYNAMITE EMOTIONS.CAN YOU HEAR ME?
LEARN NOT TO EXPLODE WHEN JUST A KISS IS NECESSACARY.
Hello Aiden, learn not to bottle them up.
Not everything has to be a fight, if you'll just god fucking damn talk to the boy.
Lord knows you should.

And this song is still amazing, even when I have a smile on my lips froms peaking to him a second ago.
And I know we're still together, and I'll always be your valentine<#
But Devon, be mine.
Be my valentine right back.
Only mine, and promise.

I'mma try to control my temper, I'll try not to get too jealous of Lulu [[who I owe an email, OH SHIT. I promised><]]
I saw the movie last night, but I didn't see it, because i wanted to be home, I left early.
Half ran for as much as I could.
I tried to give you your goodnight kiss at an earlier time, beautiful boy.
But I couldn't.
And maybe if I ran a little faster, all of this could of been avoided.
But Devon Cisneros, you are a very very special boy.
You are the one boy who I am willing to let in. I'm gonna try.
I'm going to try to be more open, try to state my opinion without waiting ten minutes AFTER we're done with that topic.
We don't need to stop this relationship.
Annd I reallly don't know how to take things slow so, you're gonna have to teach me.
But my heart?
Yeah, uhm, that's yours.
YOURS.
I take my heart, open your chest, and want it to beat as yours.
Accept?

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 11:18:40 GMT

whenever
whenever
ill talk to you whenever
KTOthelloDesires: I'll talk to you whenever, Ade.
KTOthelloDesires: I'll talk to you whenever, Ade.
KTOthelloDesires: I'll talk to you whenever, Ade.KTOthelloDesires: I'll talk to you whenever, Ade.
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Ade.KTOthelloDesires: I'll talk to you whenever, Ade.KTOthelloDesires: I'll talk to you whenever, Ade.

Can we listen to my heart break, one more time?
KTOthelloDesires: I'll talk to you whenever, Ade.

yeah
whenever,
give me a gun, someone, please.
id like to put myself out of my misery.

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 06:53:11 GMT

Listen to the song here in my heart
a melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within
Its only beginning to find release

Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen

[chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turned
Into your own

All 'cause you won't listen

Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say whats on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done be lie ving you
You don't know what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I got to find my own - my own

------

Let me just say right out- Beyonce?
She is beautiful- and I don't normally like black girls.
I'm not racist I'm jsut, not attracted.

Fucking.
I walked home.
i tried to get home.
How did I know I was an hour away?

I should of been here at nine.
I said nine.
And I got home and it was 10:13 and you'd been gone for 11 minutes.
And now I can't stop listening to this song.

I get jealous, I get just as scared as you do.
And how do I know what to trust.
How do I know what to believe.
How can I do this, Devon?
How do I know if what you feel is really for me, or if you're just confused,a nd you love him more.

How can I trust.
How can I.

But the thing that scares me isn't that I don't trust you- it's that I do.
I one-hundred and ten perfect, completely and totally, put all of my trust in you.
And instead of doubting you, I'm sitting here doubting myself.

I don't want anyone but you, I don't need anyone elses goodnights.
I just need you.
I need yoru lips, i need your teasing words and silly thoughts.
I need you when you are angry and sarcastic, or happy and sweet.
I need you whenever, wherever.

And some of my friends hate that.
Olive seriously wants me to find someone better.
But who could be better than you?
You're my world, half of my world.
And right now, it's late and my life feels liek it's spiraling downward.
i can't grasp onto one thought.
My life just doesnt seem to want to be mine right now.
There's some man with strings, telling me what to do, jerking my limbs left and right, up and down, untill I'm a twisted mess of knots.
And I need someone who will love me enough to pullt hose knots apart.
Please, please be that someone.

I hate my doubts, I hate my insecurities.
I hate how jealous I get fo him.
He's my friend.
He's a good friend.
ANd sometimes I just hate him.
Ia lways want to know what you say to each other.
I want to know how he stole some of your heart from me.
I'm nosy, I'm nervous, and for some reason, I think untill I feel my heart break.

But int he morning I'll delete this, if I remember, and you won't ever read it.
And I'll go on acting fine, acting like I'm not jealous, like I can handle it.

Because as long as you're smiling, I am fine.

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 05:05:30 GMT

Mnn, that one is my favorite.
His facial expression is kind of silly.
But I love those boots.
I AM NOT THAT GIRLY OK>
I'd buy them for..Olive.
Ok.
MMn, But right now it's like, midnight for you.
And allI'm thinking of is how bad I want you to fuck me.
Hard, deep.
I'm so turned on just by the thought of you.
Mmmn.
I tried to go back to sleep this morning, but as soon as I'd get exhausted, my eyes would be falling shut, and my hand would travel down.
I'd wake up in a start with your name on my lips and my hips in the air.

It was a good morning, but a bad morning for sleep.

I'll admit.
I've beent rying to forget this afternoon the best I can.
I can't handle it right now, I'm jealous and I'm scared,b ut I know you love me.
And I trust you.
I trust you.
So be careful with me, please.
I beg you.
It's taken you three months tog et my trust.
DOn't lose it.
I'll be afraid to trust anyone again.

I love you.
I love you.
More than words can say.
and sometimes I feel stupid
because I want to be romantic..
I want to be sweet
But all i can think about is how much I love you.
Sleep tight.

Andddddd I love himmm.

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 16:13:51 GMT

KTOthelloDesires: -Nips.- For some reason, I wanted to say "You're beautiful."
KTOthelloDesires: It'd entirely random, but my fingers started typing it before my brain finally caught up.

Most adorable boyfriend in the world?
I think so.
It's crazy early, and if I was up for any other reason I would be complaining my asss off.
But I'm not up for any other reason.
It's Christmas Eve day anddd.
I'm up to talk to my angel before he goes to American Eagle and is Bombarded by the millions of screaming skinny chicks who want that shirt is x-tra small RIGHT NOW.

Mm.He's a cutie.
I say he's cute, but there has to be another word to describe it. Because while he is fucking adorable, he's all grown up and somewhat manly.
And there has to be another word. Maybe I mean sweet as hell.

I don't know.
It's 8:15 and I'm sleepy as fucking hell.
And I have my boyfriend and a blanket-
I'm in heaven.

Save some face- you know you've only got one.

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 22:19:18 GMT

LOVE TO OLIVE FIRST OFF.
I fucking love this cover.
Smile like you mean it is already an amazing song but, I hate to say I enjy this almsot more than the killers.

And I would bang Brandon flowers in an instant.

And then go home and plead with Devont hat it was just a laspe of judgement because he's famous and he had his moustache off and.

>> Naw.
I like my boyfriend best.

OH SO ANYWAY.
I found this thing on someones blog.

So, say you were meeting a new person--blind date, new friend, who knows. And you wanted them to have some idea of what kind of person you are, and who you are. But you can't actually tell them in so many words. Instead, you have to give them a box, with a dozen things in it for them to look at/read/listen to/taste/whatever.

What would you put in the box? And a copy of your journal or a link to your LJ would be the same thing as just telling them directly, yourself, so that's not allowed.

1. My favorite Mix CD. The Japanese Gum one.
2. The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. [[It is, by far, my favorite book. Only closely followed by Catcher in The Rye and that one book with the silver cover about the rollerblader and the punk girl.And the Chinese mafia and the murders and the computer hackers.]]
3.I'd include a teddy bear. I'm childish. i need something to cling to at night.
4. My iPod, But I'd have to get it back.
5. A bottle of white out. I make lots of ~~mistakes.~~
6. A pencil.
7. My sketch book.
8. That home video from when I was two and we had a pool and I almost drowned.
9. My photobook.
10. My teeshirt with the heart sewn on it's sleeve. Kind of self-explaintory.
11. A jaw breaker!
12. A broken watch.

They sort of make sense on their own if you know me.

But I forgot to add an Aiden to English dictionary.
They should make those.

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 12:15:09 GMT

There is an animal in my ceiling.
I am terrified.
I am crying my eyes out.
Someone make it go away.

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 10:50:47 GMT

Nights like this when my heartbeat is pulsing through my fingertips and the world goes spinning past my eyes.
I like to cling to something safe.

The dream of a boy sleeping miles away- and knowing he's thinking of me too.

Although I may be lost in the shivers and shakes of old heartbreak, I will always know that he is the one I want to dry my tears.
The one to kiss my eyelids and let the salt of tears clinging to wet eyelashes taint the soft taste of his lips.
He is the one I want to wake up to in the mornings.
He is the one I want to raise a child with.
He is the one I want to spend my holiday's with.
He is the one.
He is the one I want for me.
I like to dream he feels the same.

I love you, Devon Cisneros.

I'm going to bed, and even though my eyes are red and brimmed with tears, a smile is on my lips.

But something feels wary inside of myself.
Don't get too attatched, Aiden.
Look at you and Luc.
You're basically strangers.
And remember Mike?
The one who Holden bears the nmesake of?
Wasn't that supposed to be forever?

You're lucky if he even says hello to you now.

Or how about How much you loved Shane?
Gfrins?
Hailee?
Olivia?
Rachel?
Dai?
Bailey?
Colby?
How about:
Nate?
Danny?
Garrett?
Julz?
Luc?
Lulu?
Jon?
Gerald?
Jake?
Jagger?
Niko?
Olivier?
Evan?
Ayden?
Jules?
Jax?
Cyle?
Or Andy, even?

Is it even possible to stillhave a heart after all that giving it away?
Are you sure you want to give allt hat's left to Devon?

There's a tiny little voice in my head "You're too quick to give your heart away, baby mine. Too quick to trust. Let them earn it, let them be the first one to say "I love you". You don't have to force it, you don't have to rush it. Let them kiss you first, Let him make the first move. Don't be afraid to be hurt. Don't be so jealous. Grow up and face the real facts. You will not get a fairy tale ending."

Sometimes I listen to it.
I try not to.

Am I jumping into this too fast?
It's been about three months.
That's not fast, is it?

He's different, Aiden.
This one isn't out to break your heart.
This one waits for you just to get a goodnight kiss.
This one spends an entire day with you.
This one laughs at your scenarios.
This one participates in your silly little scenarios.
This one gives you eskimo kisses.
This one pays attention to your feelings.
This one wont hurt you, at least not physically.
This one supports you.
This one is nice.
This one is caring.
This one is funny.
This one is romantic.
This one laughs at your stupid little jokes.
This one adores you.
This one tries to make you happy.
And this one loves you for you.
This one is the one that all those others tried to be.
You want this one to last.
You want it to last.

I keep wishing on every star I see.

Maybe, just maybe. This one will stick.
I want him to stick.
I want someone to meet him, and the first thing they say to me afterwards isn't anything about what he said, or how they liked him.
I just want a few simple words.
"This is the boy for you"

I'm going to keep on wishing. And the first thing I will do tomorrow is give him a Big. Sloppy. Kiss and tell himjust how much I love him and appreciate him.
He is,by far, the sweetest boy I've ever met.
He is the apple of my eye.
I am going to go fall asleep and dream of him.
And I'm a little stressed, so I'll think of him.
Not like I don't think enough already.
To Devon when he reads this!
You are my world.
Half of it, as you'd correct me.
But a huge part all the same.

-ADN

P.S.TO Hailee who I know will read this.
Lend me your sex boots!

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 07:43:04 GMT

Pretty fair maid was in her garden
When a stranger came a-riding by
He came up to the gate and called her
Said "pretty fair maid would you be my bride"
She said "I've a true love who's in the army
And he's been gone for seven long years
And if he's gone for seven years longer
I'll still be waiting for him here "
"Perhaps he's on some watercourse drowning
Perhaps he's on some battlefield slain
Perhaps he's to a fair girl married
And you may never see him again "
" Well if he's drown, I hope he's happy
Or if he's on some battlefield slain
And if he's to some fair girl married
I'll love the girl that married him "
He took his hand out of his pocket
And on his finger he wore a golden ring
And when she saw that band a-shining
A brand new song her heart did sing
And then he threw his arms all around her
Kisses gave her one, two, three
Said "I'm your true and loving soldier
That's come back home to marry thee "
Pretty fair maid was in her garden
When a stranger came a-riding by
He came up to the gate and called her
Said "pretty fair maid would you be my bride"

It gets me so worked up.

This song, the verse where he sings
" Well if he's drown, I hope he's happy
Or if he's on some battlefield slain
And if he's to some fair girl married
I'll love the girl that married him "

I mean, loving someone that much, enough to love the girl that married your true love?
That's incredibly strong.

But what's been killing me is the line where she tells the stranger that:
"I've a true love who's in the army
And he's been gone for seven long years
And if he's gone for seven years longer
I'll still be waiting for him here "

It breaks my heart.
How many times have I said something like that?
Once, to tell the truth.
And it just now hit me that Christmas is coming up.
I love how beautiful everythign is when it's lit up.
I love everythign this time of year.
Untill I find a song like this and I get to thinking about him.
I'd still wait.
If he had asked me to, I would of waited.
For a boy that couldn't come back. I would have waited.
He was my life and then he was gone, and I think, I think maybe I'm still waiting.
That might be why I cause fights to try to get out fo a relatioonship. Because sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for someone.
And I'm just waiting there, and i'll keep waiting.
Because I just miss him so much it tears me apart.

I always have a smile on christmas, Of course I do.
I only frown if I can't help it.
I'm a smiley type of kid.

But I can''t help thinking of how different things would be.

Could you imagine?
I'd be married.
I wouldn't have Holden.

Devon wouldn't ever of met me.
Jagger would be the warm body I curl up next to.

But I have Devon. And Devon is different than the other boys.
He puts up with me. He keeps me company without wanting in my pants too much.
Just a little maybe.

My heart is heavy and I'm thinking too much.
More about this at a later date.
Devon's going to bed, so I might as well try to sleep.

-ADN

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 08:48:48 GMT

Tonight was amazing.

Thank you for a wonderful day, beautiful boy.

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 07:41:11 GMT

Tangled legs,
Swaying curtians.
A gentle moonlit breeze dancing across flushed skin.
your hand grasping mine as you struggle for breath,
hold yourself deep inside,whispering soft words lost in a sea of sounds falling from our lips.
A single note as we collapse, entangled, screaming, gasping, arching.
Clutching tightly as we become one.

That is how we handle our midnights.

I love you and only you.

Only you.

Don't get jealous of people in my past.
None of them are going to compare to the way I feel when I'm in your arms.
You take my breath away constantly.

I dont like talking to you sometimes simply because you're so sweet and so perfect I run out of words and feel stupid.
I worry sometimes
I worry lots of times.

Right now I'm informing you of how adorable you are.

And it's true.
I can't stop grinning.

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 00:27:51 GMT

I'm a cuddly person.
I'm not good with words.
If you're sad, i cuddle.
If you're happy, i cuddle.
if you're anyfucking thing I fuckign cuddle.
but i guess its wrong so.
from now on my hands are tied.
I'm not giving ou t cheek kisses or hugs or anything.
I'm not touching anyone.
i dont wanna be touched.
i'm a horrible person.

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 08:58:44 GMT

There are nights when he finds he feels alone. It's cold and he's shivering with the heating blasting and a blanket around his shoulders, and he can't seem to shake the heart from his chest and throat and face, muscles contracting as he hides behind the idea that everything will be fine in the morning.

He's different in the daytime, when he's surrounded by familiar names. He can alwyas have a smile, find a reason to laugh.
Even if he's not okay, he's still grasping to the idea, and he justg ets louder and cracks more jokes and gets more attention. Because maybe attention will take away the thoughts.

He thinks too much at night, about too many things.
He worries and he frets and he remembers loves lost. His entire body shakes, softly at first, a trembling, a gentle shiver running through his spine and up into his brain,triggering the tears he's been fighting to hold back.

Tears fall softly, tracing delicate patterns in the cool blue light of the screen. His hand flies up, trying to wisk them away quickly, but only to be defeated by the downpour.
Quiet tears softly turn to sobs, sobs to gasp, gasps to dry heaves, untill he's doubled over with a trashcan at his feet, gasping for breath as his body purges, as if ridding itself of the day's meals will somehow rid his mind of the nights demons.

It goes on like this, night after night. Some nights are worse than others, some nights are bearable. He never knows.

Tonight he finds himself shivering, soaked in a cold sweat in nothing but an oversized tee-shirt, gray and full of holes, battern and worn from use.
He's searching himself for the answer he needs, echoing his thoughts in a whisper, trying to rid himself of them.

They all swirl together like a tornado, ready to wreck havoc on his soul, one crying out louder than the rest.

Why me.
Why me.
Why me.

But the answer isn't coming and the tornado smashes down onto him, sending him into a blizzard of tears.

It's one am and the world rages on outside his icy windows, the city lights blink, crack whores call out to men on the street, and the waves crash against the docks.

A plane flies over head, and as he lets his breathing stop completely, he dreams that it's his flight out of here.
He holds his breath, hoping that sooner or later, everything will just go black and he'll be blissfully unaware. But it's not going black, and once it does, once the worldg ets furry around the edges and starts losing color, he has to breathe.
Because he's afraid if he doesn't, he wont wake up.

He's in pain with every breath he takes of the cold city air, windows open to keep him going, streetlight illuminating the crib of a sleeping child.
The baby looks perfect and innocent. Content in a dream that for a moment he wishes he could steal from it. The moment passes and he feels selfish. His child has every right to be content. He shouldn't be wishing to steal it's happiness.

His breath hitches as another sob falls from his lips. Tears are gone now, his cheeks are still wet, still raw and tender, and he wants to be held.
Instead he stand up, crossing across the room to pick up the sleeping child, hold him in his arms and sing him a soft lullabye.

Tears fall in downy blonde hair as he holds the babe close, letting him know all the things he wished his fater had said, letting him know it's okay to be human, it's okay to let your feelings show. It's okay to be yourself,and don't let anyone crush your dreams. He wishes he could follow his own advice.

The baby coos and he feels his heart burst, setting him back down in his crib and tucking him in before collasping against the wall, knees to his chest and eyes wide open, seeing everything but taking in nothing.
He feels his flesh disappearing, his veins bursting and muscles being torn back.
he's a skeletal frame, wishing to be better.
He wishes for so many things, but finds very few.
He tries to stay optimistic, but he's afraid of everything.
He tries not to lie, but he gets hurt too easilly to tell the whole truth.
He tries to be kind, but words unsaid kill him slowly.
He tries to be thankful, but he barely has enough to get by.
He tries to be loving, but he runs out of words.

He guesses that when you haven't been loved enough, and heard all those words, it's hard to use them.
Other boys always seem to be smarter and more pulled togeter than he is.
The ones he dates always remind him of his brother.
He can't exist in the world some nights.
And sometimes, he just disappears.

He crawls into bed after a few gulps of a bottle of something that he can't remember the name of. He closes his eyes and lets his tears stain the stains that cover his pillow.

This wasn't a good night.
But tomorrow maybe will be better.

[[Hailee wanted me to write something funny. I couldn't. I've had a rough night, I tried to be as happy and charming as possible, but the minute devon was gone, I fell apart.
I don't think I can handle another week of this. I'll be up at 10.]]

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 01:43:17 GMT

Fuck it.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I'm too fucking jealous
I'm too fucking stupid.
i don't know how to stay "No, don't go to bed. Stay here, snuggle me more. Remind me that you love me in a way other than simply stating it.
Because three words are never enough all the time."
I can't do that to his face.

i wish he could read my mind.
or insist on staying because he misses me and wants to.
but

ok.

"Wasting time and space and brains"

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 15:03:45 GMT

I woke up panting today.
Not a good, sexual panting or anything.
More of an "Oh my god I don't have air in my lungs oh my god"
Thing.
I got up, thinking that standing would inflate my lungs- it did not.
LIght flipped on fast, ANdy going "OH GOD AIDEN YOURE COVERED IN BLOOD"
Which was only partially true.
Currently I am inspecting every inch of my showered self trying to find the problem, because the only unbloody place was my goddamn stomach.

GO figure, eh?

So in other news, Andy is mending my pants.
So I'm sitting here, its cold.
And I wanna go back to bed, but NOOO.
I have to go to Schoooool.
Ahh fuck the school system.
It's corrupt.
It hurts me.
Every single day.
PS I love myself too much.

I decided that.

I forget why though?

Um,,
This is what I call "Wasting time and space and brains"
Okay?
I'm just saying pointless things cause ihave no one to talk to this morning becaus emy boyfriend works at American Eagle.
Which is kind of a turn on and I have no idea why.
Most things about him are a turn on.
But maybe it's jus tthe thought of getting him alone in a dressing room.

Yeah.
And the fact that it is utterly adorable that he works THERE of all places.
gaygaygaygaygay.
:D
I love him.
The end!

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 15:01:27 GMT

We all have really, really bad days.
As a human, it's our plague.
The days where you just cant get anything right, from the first thing you think when you wake up [["Holy shit why is my belly button gushing blood?"}}
To Your hair [[Which just wont curl.]]
To your relationship.[[Which is constantly nagging at your mind]]
To being exhausted.[[But I went to bed at 10!]]
And still a little hungover.[[That was two fucking nights ago!]]
And You're sitting there in a slump, attemping to get dressed, and your friend walks in.
This is how the conversation went.

Andy:What look are you tryign to pull off now?
Aiden: I have no idea what you mean, Anderson. Leave me alone.
Andy: No, I'm really curious! You have like, the emo eyeliner which is very badly put on by the way. Half curly half wavy hair, Rather grunge looking, sorry. You're online reading Questionable content, SO YOU'RE IN A SADISTIC HUMOR MOOD.[[CAPS IS A HORRIBLE BUTTON.]]
You're wearing tight jeans and vans, scene. But you've got on a shirt twenty sizes too big for you.
Aiden: Andy, really. I'm not in a good mood. Piss off.
Andy: But I'm really perplexed, kid!
Aiden: Andy, I'm only a year or two younger tha-
Andy: I GOT IT. INDIE EMO ROCKER GRUNGE WITH A SPLASH OF HOBO.
Aiden: Okay, Andy. That's nice.
Andy: Buck up, Buccko.

What the hell is a buckko?
Devon has been idle for 2 hours and 24 minutes and I hate how I keep checking.
Which is weird because about two hours and thirty minutes ago I woke up and I felt sad.
And then I realized I was crying.
Okay.
Applying bandage to my tummy button.
School starts soon.
I'm secretly jealous of lulu.
Whichh isnt a secret anymore.

I need to change my shirt.
Why can I not write.
Oh well.
The one thing I want to do more than anything, I cannot do.
Go figure, eh?
EH EH EH.
I'm turing Olivian.
I have a fucking cold sore on my fucking upper lip.
I wanna shoot it.
I mean, no one else will notice.
But I will.
I'll feel like everyone can see it.
I jsut want to go back to bed and never get out.
My new blanket is amazing.
2 hours 29 minutes.
2 hours 30 minutes
2 hours 31 minutes.

I need to stop checking.
I'm obsessed. fuck.
Not like a stalker obsessed just a "I really really want to talk to him and say everythign that i really want to say but know I never will."
Its okay though.
I'm good at keeping things in.

Off to school I go.

PS. Download Rootless Tree by Damien Rice.
It's my favorite song at the moment.
I don't know.
I can relate on some awkward level.

"
What I want from you is empty your head.
But they say be true, don't stain your bed.
And we do what we need to be free.
And it leans on me like a rootless tree.

What I want from us is learn to let go.
But we fake, we fuss, and fracture the times.
We go blind when we needed to see.
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
and all we've been through.
I said leave it, leave it, leave it,
it's nothing to you.
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
that you just let me out
let me out, let me out?
Its hell when you're around.
Let me out, let me out, let me out.
Hell when you're around.
Let me out, let me out, let me out.

What I want from this
is to learn to let go.
No, not of you
of all that's been told.
Killers re-invent and believe
and this leans on me, like a rootless...

fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
and all we've been through.
I said leave it, leave it, leave it,
it's nothing to you.
And if you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
that you just let me out
let me out, let me out?
Its hell when you're around.
Let me out, let me out, let me out.
Its hell when you're around."

Does anyone know the webdings command for tree?